• Ending a relationship is never easy as it takes us to places of intense pain. Many times, we do not know how to deal with such overwhelming and intense feelings and we try to ignore them in the hopes that they will disappear if we try to get our mind off them.  Unfortunately, the opposite happens. The hurt and sadness, and many times anger, that cannot be expressed comes out as depression and/or anxiety. Such a time also might reopen past wounds that we thought were healed, making our emotions more intense.

    Where to start?  Here are four essential techniques I would like to recommend to heal and move on from your past your relationship as you learn and grow:

    Look inside of yourself.  Many times, we focus on our partner and how many deficiencies he/she has. That might be true, but there is a reason why we chose to be with this deficient person, and that is ours to own. This approach also helps us in holding ourselves accountable and to identify areas we need to work on first before we decide to enter a new relationship.   If we cannot recognize our own relational patterns and how we protect ourselves and react. We will tend to repeat the same type of relationship.

    Be honest with yourself.  If you find yourself giving excuses for everything that you do or whenever someone brings something up about you, there might be something hurting that is too painful to see. We all make mistakes, there is no perfect relationship, no perfect individual and that is great because there is always opportunity to grow and learn from whenever we mess up.  It is crucial that we can be kind with ourselves and forgive.

    Allow yourself to feel pain and hurt.  Many times, we want to ignore our pain. We have this belief that feeling hurt and pain is weak and that we need to be strong.  We also have the belief that being strong is not feeling, not being affected by events in life. This belief, that is usually transmitted socially, leads us to become very harsh and critical towards ourselves.  Notice what kinds of things you say to yourself about your feelings. Although this is against our protective reaction, the key to stop hurting is actually to allow yourself to feel it. When we avoid our pain, we are actually increasing its intensity and it will come out in disguised ways affecting your emotional and physical wellbeing.  

    Be open to learning.  Be curious about what might be going on inside of you. Question how your experiences have affected you and the way you relate to others. The only way of growing is by questioning, exploring, and finding answers which might generate new questions. This also means seeking professional help to guide you throughout the process.

    Looking inside of yourself will allow you to recognize and heal the wounds that may have been caused by painful experiences. You will not only change how you see yourself but also how you relate with others. Healing past wounds, learning about yourself and how you relate with others, and learning to relate with your feelings and emotions in a different way will free you and allow you to have a sense of peace allowing you to grow into the person you know you are capable of being.

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    Article by: Carolina Castanos

    As a Ph.D. award-winning relationship expert, Dr. Castaños is helping men and women overcome their past trauma in order to heal triggers and toxic patterns in relationships, and most importantly, lead happier, more fulfilling lives. Following nearly two decades of treating patients and one year of beta-testing, award-winning clinical psychologist Dr. Carolina Castaños, launches http:// www. MovingOn, the first interactive program designed to help people overcome heartbreak.  The 14-week program provides weekly videos available on-demand on any device.  Following each video, users complete an exercise and receive personal feedback from Dr. Castaños (also known as Dr.C) to help them progress through the healing process.  This program also gives user 24/7 access to experiential exercises to help regulate emotions and feel better.  These exercises are designed using the latest research in neuropsychology and trauma treatment.

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