• Watching your Significant Other walk away. Do you hum that YouTube song, “Pants On The Ground”? Could he cuff the end of his jeans legs several times over? Could he pleat the seat of those jeans? In other words, has he been jeans shopping and dressing himself lately?

    There is a simple solution to the problem of men resembling circus clowns because of their jeans and pants. No, it’s not the purchase of wide, bright red suspenders. At least not for another decade.

    An overwhelming percentage of males are genetically inclined to Immediate Onset Dressing Room Dementia. Or it results in them avoiding pants shopping entirely, or picking a size they faintly recall wearing off the pile in Costco or Sam’s Club, tossing the jeans in the cart, and wearing them when they get home . . . no matter what. Well, jeans that are too small will go back, but ballooning, overly large britches are just considered “comfortable”. Age, gravity and a bit of a potbelly figure into the problem. Witness the number of men strolling through Home Depot with their pants belted at the same altitude as their aortas. Not a good look, at all.

    While women over sixty are plagued with the consistently expanding waistline, men of the same age suffer from the mysteriously disappearing buttocks. Don’t hesitate to go to the “slim fit” jean if this is the case. All men who played sports a half-century ago will forever consider themselves jocks with large, over-developed thigh muscles. Ergo, your man assumes he needs the jean built with extra yardage in the thighs. . . NOT! And don’t forget to remind him of all the energy he’ll have after shedding all the unneeded fabric in his jeans. Denim is heavy!

    TA DAAAAH! Here’s the solution:

    The next time you’re in a store that has a significant men’s department, take time to find a style of jeans identified as “low rise”. Then consider your SO’s profile. If he has just a moderate amount of extra girth thru his belly, go one size smaller than the size he’s been wearing. If he currently is dressing like a second trimester pregnant woman, go two sizes smaller. Third trimester? I’d pick up two pair for him to try, both two and three sizes smaller. As for the inseam measurement, go shorter by at least one to two inches. Now that he isn’t going to hoist his pants to his armpits, he needs less length. Remember, jeans can be shortened at the cleaners – and should be if necessary. I can’t overstate the importance of trying on the jeans at home for real assessment.

    Good luck, girls. I hope you have success eliminating the plague of billowing britches from the landscape. I’ll report back after my next challenges: khakis and the Speedo.

    World Peace comes a bit later.

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    Article by: Elle Kaye Jons

    Elle Kaye Jons, writer and commentator on the foibles of life.

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