• There is an endemic belief in America that in order for one to experience great sex, one must be able to orgasm. Popular culture has infiltrated our minds with negative messages about aging bodies that have caused people to dissociate from their sexuality. This is a shame considering the myriad of  health benefits associated with safely practicing different sexual activities. The idea that bodies must look, work, and perform a certain way in order to enjoy pleasurable sexual experiences is simply not true. If you have a brain, then you have power over your pleasure, because the brain is the most important sex organ in the human body.

    A study at the University of Ottawa found that “normal” sexual functioning is not necessary to experience great sex. Research suggests that the older you get the better “it” gets. In fact, the study revealed that chemistry, lust, intense physical sensations, and orgasm play only a minor role in the components of great sex.  Characteristics like being present, focused, embodied, in sync, vulnerable and interpersonal risk taking were much more important in achieving great sex. This study debunks the myth that age, illness, and disability decrease sexual fulfillment.

    While I would love nothing more than to be the arrow on the road map that navigates you on your conquest to mind-blowing sex, the truth is that the only body I can direct is my own. But what I can do is help you cultivate your sexual experiences.

    You’re not be able to change your hardware, but you can definitely update your software.

    Here’s how:

    1. Learn to Love Your Changing Body

    No matter how young you feel, bodies age without permission. In a society that profits from self-doubt, it is easy to fall prey  to toxic messages within yourself, and from others. It is important that you spend each day showing yourself your inherent self-worth. Self-confidence is important to sexual fulfillment. Do not look to others for permission to feel beautiful and valuable. You are the power you have been seeking, and love for yourself is something you can chose to have. It would be counterproductive for you to worry about externally imposed expectations of your body because amazing sex requires surrendering to the experience.

    2. Turn On Your Senses

    Take your pleasure seriously and plan solo sex. When a woman takes responsibility for her own pleasure, she can provide better sexual gratification for herself and the one(s) she is with. So spend time rubbing, touching, and feeling different parts of your body. Use your hands to stimulate your genitals. Get in touch with the sensations of your body. This will help activate your desire for sex.

    3. Use Massage to Heighten Desire

    Libido is the cognizant part of sex, the part of the process that leads you to sexual play. Unfortunately, levels of stress, health, and distractions occurring in your external environment can impact libido. By using arousing forms of touch like massage you can work to awaken you or your partner’s desire for sex and create a passion for pleasure.

    4. Honor thy Vulva

    While you can’t control your body from aging, you can help control your vaginal moisture. First and foremost, it is important you drink a lot of water. Your vulva will feel happy when it is hydrated. Drinking water and applying a moisturizer like Replens to your vulva twice a day are the keys to vaginal health. Replens is a long lasting moisturizer that works for up to 3 days. When your vulva is moisturized it will be ready for any spontaneous sex that you may have. Spontaneous sex can be the best sex because it usually occurs when your energy is high.

    5. Use Lubrication

    Whether you are 21 or 61 using lube can help enhance sensation, and make sex more enjoyable for both partners involved. I recommend using Wet Platinum Arousing Sensation, which is a long lasting silky lube. Using this kind of aid will not only help with genital stimulation, but it can be used for massages of the inner thighs and nipples. Luckily, Wet Platinum doesn’t get sticky.

    “Does desire melt away with age? I’m waiting for that day to come. Sexual desire is like aging — a lot of it is up here [points to her head].” -Betty White

    Lisa Hochberger

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    Article by: Lisa Hochberger

    Lisa is cofounder of Sexpertise, an informative portal that educates the public about sexual wellness using innovative technology. Formally trained in human sexuality, Lisa's passion for the field is rooted in her belief that all human beings should understand what healthy sex is, regardless of culture, body or ability. Her particular areas of expertise are: the intersection of media and sexuality, modern romance, the effects of body image on sexuality, sexuality for people of all abilities, social media's effect on sexuality and contemporary dating websites. As part of her work she has guest taught human sexuality at several universities across the east coast. Lisa obtained her Masters of Education in Human Sexuality at Widener University's Center for Human Sexuality Studies. She is continuing her studies at the University as a doctoral candidate.

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    1. MP says:

      I am glad I set aside my general bitterness about all things related to sex to read this. Although I am married, my husband is disabled and best I can tell, a stroke he had must have destroyed all the pleasure sensors in his brain. Sex is not even on his radar. If he did think of it, his congestive heart failure prevents an erection. I feel like I am married to my brother, and I don’t know how to get past it. I have talked to him and my therapist. My husband is apparently waiting until he gets his head screwed on straight, as he is also being treated for profound depression…..he will occasionally treat me to alternatives…last was about 3 months ago. I am angry at him, because he won’t come out of his own issues to meet my needs, and then I get angry at myself because how can I put pressure on him because he is disabled. So there it is….I have to stew in my own frustrations because how can I confide in a friend? He has begged me not to tell anyone but my therapist, for his dignity’s sake. I am angry enough at this point to have an affair and not feel a single bit guilty about it. Sorry this turned into a rant. Thank you for a great article!

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