• “Why is there a gigantic sex toy sitting on your dining room table?” Mark asked recently.

    “That’s not a gigantic sex toy,” I said. “It’s a Wahl Hot & Cold Therapy Massager.”

    “Which is?”

    “An Advanced Pain Management Device. They  sent it to me after I wrote a humor piece for the New York Times about back pain.“

    “Yeah, but it sure looks like….”

    “Something the Jolly Green Giantess would use to get her groove on when the Jolly Green Giant is out of town? It certainly does. And yet the instructions say that you’re not supposed to use it on your “genital areas.”

    I handed him the instructions, which had been sitting on the table with the device.

    “The lawyers made them put that in,” he scoffed. “Because, of course, you know that’s the first place people are going to use it. And the lawyers want to deflect liability in case something goes horribly wrong.”

    What could go horribly wrong? We Googled it and couldn’t find anything. So we returned to perusing the instructions. “It says not to use it on a sleeping person,” I said. “Do you think that’s a safety issue? Or a ‘don’t be annoying‘ issue?”

    “It sounds like a philosophical issue to me. If you’re sound asleep, you’re feeling no pain. So there’s nothing to manage. What I want to know is why it says  FOR HOUSEHOLD USE ONLY?”

    “Maybe they’re afraid people will plug it into the car and massage themselves as they commute?”

    “Why shouldn’t they? That could only reduce road rage.”

    “It also says DO NOT USE OUTDOORS.“

    “That makes no sense.  If the dude who trims the hedge can use an extension cord, why can’t I?”

    “According to this, Wahl invented the first electric massager nearly 100 years ago.”

    “Impressive. That’s a lot of orgasms… I mean pain relief.”

    I suffer from an affliction common to writers — mouse neck  — which is a sharp pain in the neck and back resulting from too much computer use.

    “Let’s take it for a spin,” I suggested.

    I stretched out on the bed and Mark plugged it in, started it up, and proceeded to give me a soothing massage. The device, which is slightly larger than a blow dryer, did most of the work. Mark had only to move it around. There are two speeds.  High (jack hammering) and low (a steady hum.) And an assortment of snap-on tops that vary the amount of bumpiness. Best of all, you can set it on either hot or cold.

    Massage aficionado that I am, I took to it like a duck to water.

    “Oh that feels great.” “A little lower.” “That’s perfect.” “Oh my. Keep doing that.”

    Remind you of anything? Me too. Still, if used according to the  instructions,  it won’t rev you up or turn you on.  Instead, you’ll end up utterly relaxed.

    “I’m in love,” I said after a few minutes.

    Then it was Mark’s turn to enjoy a hot vibrating massage.

    “Where have you been all my life?” he asked.

    We decided that Wahl Hot &Cold Therapy Massager was too formal a name for something that was clearly going to play a major part in our relationship going forward. We decided to call the device “Mr. Yippee.”

    After 18 years of enjoying a loving, monogamous union,  we’ve decided to open up our relationship to include Mr. Yippee. We are a couple who does lots of snuggling. Mr. Yippee fits in easily. We snuggle, then take turns administering a hot vibrating massage.

    “If you write about this,” Mark said, “Caution your readers against using Mr. Yippee for foreplay. They’ll end up too languid to want to have sex.“

    Mr. Yippee has definitely enhanced the quality of our life. And, yes, as we explored everything that Mr. Yippee could do for us, we did break a few rules.

    Nothing horrifying happened.

    I know what you’re thinking — can you enjoy Mr. Yippee on your own? Absolutely. He’s ergonomically designed, so it’s easy to go solo. But like most things, it’s a lot more fun when you do it with a loved one.

    I know one thing. Everyone on my holiday gift list is getting their own Mr. Yippee this year.

    In fact, everyone on the planet should have one. There ought to be one at the library where I work, to help librarians chill after encounters with difficult patrons. They certainly ought to be mandatory at tax time.  And world leaders should be required to administer hot vibrating Mr. Yippee massages to each other before important negotiations.

    I dream of a world where, instead of everyone being on their smart phones all the time, we’d each enjoy, instead, our own portable Mr. Yippee.

    If everyone had a Mr. Yippee, would the world would be a better, more relaxed place? I‘d love to find out.

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    Article by: Roz Warren

    Roz Warren (www.Rosalindwarren.com) writes for the Funny Times, the New York Times, the Philadelphia Inquirer, the Christian Science Monitor, the Jewish Forward, Reader’s Digest and the Huffington Post. And she’s been on both the Today Show and Morning Edition. Roz is the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES: A COLLECTION OF LIBRARY HUMOR, which collects her most popular essays about library work.

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    1. Dianne Morris says:

      POSTED APRIL 10, 2014
      Sounds like a good massage can lead to good sex!!! I’m for that! ellensue
      by ELLEN SUEPOSTED

      APRIL 09, 2014
      Sounds delightful! I want to try one!
      by KELLY

      POSTED APRIL 09, 2014
      ” Later as an engineering student at the University of Illinois, Leo Wahl designed a vibrating medical massager for his uncle J. Frank Wahl, who began manufacturing the massagers ina small plant in Sterling, Illinois.”
      Right. Roz, have you seen or read Sarah Ruhl’s play, “In the Next Room”?
      by RICHARD BREADY

      POSTED APRIL 09, 2014
      Yes. A photo of the, um, device would have been useful—although the cays are cute. My #1 soon has a video of their cat given him a massage.
      by SUZANNE FLUHR

      POSTED APRIL 09, 2014
      Maybe you should write a book, Mr. Yippee’s Adventures or maybe 50 Shades of Mr. Yippee. I’m sure it would be a best seller. 🙂

      by JENNIFER STECK
      POSTED APRIL 09, 2014
      Ooooh, I want to be on your Xmas list. Mr. Yippy sounds like my kind of guy. Just saying.
      by TAMMY

      POSTED APRIL 09, 2014
      This is a WONDERFUL review for a Mr. Zippy. And I agree that your name for the product is MUCH BETTER than the official one they provide. But really, really caught my eye and got me reading this post was the cute cat photo 🙂 thanks for a good laugh this afternoon!
      by KATHY @ SMART LIVING 365.COM

      POSTED APRIL 09, 2014
      Ah yes, I called my Wahl “Wally” 30 years ago. I used it for pleasure — I mean, relaxation of tight muscles — until it fell to pieces a decade or so later.
      FYI, Mark had it right from the beginning!

      Joan Price
      (who reviews “massagers” from a senior perspective on my blog regularly….)
      by JOAN PRICE

      POSTED APRIL 09, 2014
      A picture would definitely be a plus. Well, there is always a cat to knead on my back, and if I shift too much, she moves onto my DH. Thanks for the laugh.
      by HILLSMOM

      POSTED APRIL 09, 2014
      Wonderful!
      by MARK LOWE